Torn
by KMR
Summary: What did Ginny go through between the GoF and OotP? Many people have different ideas on whether she still liked Harry, or even if she still did in the OotP. This song struck me upside the head, and still does whenever I hear it this is how I see Ginny.


Disclaimer: Sadly, I own nothing of the below, those belong to Natalie and JK Rowling.

Notes: What did Ginny go through between the GoF and OotP? Many people have different ideas on whether she still liked Harry, or even if she still did in the OotP. This song struck me upside the head, and still does whenever I hear it; this is how I see Ginny, and how she went from being Harry's small, adoring fan to an independent fourth year. (Written after release of OotP, however this is set in the summer after fourth year/beginning of fifth year. )

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Song by Natalie Imbruglia 

**Torn **

I thought I saw a man brought to life  
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified  
He showed me what it was to cry

I remember the day I first saw him, at the train station. Oh, sure, I'd heard of the great Harry Potter, but seeing him there as a small meek boy seemed to make him real to me. No, I wasn't disappointed, how could I be? There, for my own two eyes was a boy that had grown up without magic, even though he by all rights was probably the most magical person anyone could find. It was as if he was being reborn, brought back to the magical world.

My first year at Hogwarts was a disaster, make no mistake about that. A few good things came out of it however, like how I began to study Harry. Of course, he never talked to me, no one did, but I noticed him. He was so full of life, even at twelve. He had an air about him, not arrogant, but he permeated power, and of course, his Gryffindor courage.

Of course, I fell in love with him. Some say it's silly for me to think that I'm in love, even when I'm fourteen now. I fell in love at 11, I'm sure of it. He needed love, and I had enough to give. If only he'd see... the life he's had to put up with, how many tears I've shed for his misfortune of being the Boy-Who-Lived. I've cried for him, but I've also cried because of him.

_Well you couldn't be that man I adored  
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for  
But I don't know him anymore  
_

Fourth year was hard on him, I'm sure of it. This summer hadn't gone so well either, seeing as Hermione and Ron couldn't really write to him in comfort. When he came to Grimmauld Place, he was absolutely livid. I could understand a bit of irritation, but how could be so angry at the people that love him most?

When he's not angry now, he's despodent. He responds to nothing, and it's as if he's numb. It seems the only thing that will even get him to move is the mention of Voldemort, and then he just goes back to brooding. I want to know what happened to the Harry Potter I once knew. I want to know if he still lives somewhere deep down in the shell of a boy left.

_There's nothing where he used to lie  
My conversation has run dry  
That's what's going on, nothing's fine I'm torn _

Harry used to be the one that would sneak out at night to nab some food. Harry used to be the one always breaking rules. He used to have fun, he used to talk. Even though we'd never been close, I do believe we haven't had more than one substantial conversation this entire year, and that includes the summer.

George asked me awhile ago, "What's going on?" when I walked out of the bathroom with bloodshot eyes and sniffled ever second or so. I shook my head in response and hurried to my room, shouting behind me, "I'm fine."

But, I'm not fine. I'm far from it. I'm still in love with Harry. He may be acting like a complete prat, but I can still see behind his eyes that he has a bit of his old spark still left in him. He may be ignoring me, but I still love him. And that's my problem, I know I love him, but I see no developments arrising anytime soon. For months, maybe even years by now, I've contemplated giving up on Harry, but I know I'll never be able to give up completely on him. Nor, however, can I continue on in my love-sick puppy manner, adoring him entirely. I find it ironic that I've decided to reach a "happy" medium. I've decided to try my best to live on without him, still acknowledging the fact that I love him, if not acting upon such acknowledgements. I'm torn between my dependency of him and the reality of the situation.

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel  
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor  
Illusion never changed into something real

When a girl falls in love with a guy, he falls in love back, and they live happily ever after. At least, that's how all the stories go, but life isn't a story. I used to believe in true love, and the special type of magic connected to it. Not the magic we use, but a different, more elusive kind. Now, I'm not so sure.

I think of how I was probably extremely naive in my earlier years, even up to daydreaming about Harry and what he'd do when he realized he loved me back. But Harry never realized he loved me back, because he never did. Perhaps I'm being bitter, but seeing as I'm lying on the cold stone floor of an empty dorm room in Gryffindor tower, I feel I'm entitled to. All these years I've been so blatantly obvious with my affections and right now it's hitting me how exposed I feel. Sure, I've wallowed in self pity before, but never have I truely brought it upon me to force myself to get over the illusion that Harry will one day wrap me in his arms and ride me off on a white horse.

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn  
You're a little late, I'm already torn

Even though I've had a tiring day, it's nearing dusk and I'm still fully awake. I'm not sure when I started crying, but I must have been for awhile seeing as the steady stream of tears have made spots on my shirt. As I curl up into a ball near a corner, and look out the window, I can see that the sky is stormy, almost as if it too is torn.

I can hear footsteps in the hallway, and I know it's my roomies coming in from the common room. I don't even bother to hide my depression, or the tears and remain staring out the window. They try to help, but there's nothing they can do. I doubt even if Harry himself came in this very moment there's much I'd respond to.

So I guess the fortune teller's right  
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light  
To crawl beneath my veins and now  
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much  
There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn

I recall that last year, Professor Trelawny took my palm into her hands and gasped aloud, telling me that I was doomed a destiny of forlorn longing in my love life. Of course, she only said this upon previously hearing of my unrelenting crush on the great Harry Potter, yet it strikes a chord in me now. I'm determined to prove her wrong however. I will not live on in "forlorn longing" but I will live independently. Independent of... him.

I should have guarded myself more carefully when I was younger, and I want to slap myself at falling in love so easily, especially in such a difficult situation. It's not as if I haven't done stupid things before, but this tops most of them. I just can't believe I have the luck of falling in love with the world's most dangerous and oblivious boy.

I'm still torn though. I know I must move on without him, but I know that deep down I still love him.

_I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel  
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor  
Illusion never changed into something real  
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn  
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel  
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor  
You're a little late, I'm already torn _

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Reviews of course appreciated!


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